The Strength of Love
- Janelle Siderius
- May 18, 2020
- 5 min read
Fourteen years ago, Andrew and I were driving to San Diego to go on a cruise to Mexico that he had bought and surprised me with as a gift on Valentine’s Day. It had been three and a half years since our first date, and I had been hoping he was going to propose to me soon. So many times came and went and I was getting frustrated because other friends who were together a shorter period of time, were already engaged. At this point, I let go some of those expectations and I was excited about our trip and my first cruise.
As we were driving, we were talking about life and singing to music from the Cd's I kept switching out. Andrew had an old black zip up CD case where he kept all his music. I oversaw the job of switching out the Cd's and chose a new one once we had finished listening to it. We were a little way from San Diego and he suddenly really wanted to go to the beach. I love going to the beach and was all for taking a little break from sitting in the car. He pulled off the freeway in a beach town called San Clemente. We drove around looking for something to eat because we were both starving. I was craving a sandwich, so he drove around for a while and tried finding a local sandwich shop. We ended up at Subway because we could not find anything else. We took our sandwiches, chips, and drinks to go. We drove toward the beach and found a great parking spot. He told me to pay for parking (which I was really confused at trying to figure out the meters) and I looked back at the car and I saw him getting something out of the back seat.
I figured out the parking meter and met him back at the car. He gave me a sly smile and seemed a little nervous, but we got our food and sat at a picnic table with an incredible view of the ocean. We took a few bites of our sandwiches and he suddenly stopped eating, wiped his hands on a napkin, and stared at me. I could not tell if he was choking or something worse because of the look on his face, and because he stopped eating. He told me he needed to talk to me, so I turned towards him and my heart started racing. Was he going to break up with me? I then started worrying if I had food stuck in my teeth! Ever since I had braces when I was in high school, I am constantly paranoid if I have food in my teeth. I could not interrupt him and take out my mirror that I carry around in my purse to check my teeth, so I figured “oh well” and gave him my full attention. He grabbed my hands and started saying how much he loved me and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life being married to me. He took the ring out of his pocket and asked if I would marry him. I held out my shaky left hand and he gingerly slipped the ring on my finger. We were both crying and then he said, “Oops, I forgot to get down on one knee. Do I have to do it over again?” I said, “Yes of course you need to get down on one knee, so you will need to do it again!” So, he did, and we laughed and then he wolfed down the remaining part of his sandwich.
When we finished eating and were walking back to the car, I felt like I was on a cloud and in a weird dream. I snapped out of it when I pulled down the visor in the passenger seat of the car and opened the mirror. You may have guessed it; I totally had a piece of basil or some seasoning from the bread stuck in one of my front teeth! To this day, I check my teeth ALL the time, even if I am at home. I was so embarrassed and couldn't believe he did not say anything about there being something stuck in my teeth. After calling many people and being super excited, we made our way to San Diego. That evening, being St. Patrick’s Day, we went out to an Irish Pub. While having a few drinks and hanging out with friends, I could not take my eyes off my ring. I kept twisting it, moving my hand around to admire it at different angles, and I loved watching the way it sparkled from the neon lights. I have small fingers (I think a size 3) and the ring was a size 7. Gauging by that difference, the ring was way too big! I ended up wrapping a band aid around the band because there was no way I couldn’t not wear it!
Fourteen years later, I am looking at my rings, twisting them on and off, and still admiring their beauty. I also think about our wedding day and so many precious memories that are all tied around these rings. How much longer am I going to keep my rings on? When is the appropriate time to remove my rings? I feel like I am judged or will be judged by people one way or the other. How soon is too soon and if I wear them for a couple years, how long is too long? Does it mean I do not love Andrew anymore if I do take them off? After thinking about this for a while, I do not think there is a “correct” answer and it really depends on each person. People who have not experienced the death of a spouse, really have no idea about the pain that comes with it all the time. Every time I look at my hands or adjust the bands, so many emotions and memories pour through.
St. Patrick’s Day of 2020, was the day I decided to take off two of my rings. Andrew had just bought me a new band for Christmas this past year, which was his last Christmas with us. Although this band has only been worn for a few months now, it holds tremendous power and strength. I am not able to take this band off because there are so many memories wrapped around it. I compare this ring to an old vine that has grown and continued to wrap itself around a fence post. The vine has become so strong and woven around this post, that the only way to remove the vine would be to cut it apart. I feel our love is the vine and the post is my finger and if I take off my ring, I am cutting our love. I honestly do not know when it is going to be the right time to remove my final ring that Andrew gave me. When the day comes, I will put my rings away to save for my kids when they are ready to get engaged or to be married to someone they love. I feel there will just be a day when I know I am ready. I do know today is not that day, so I am wearing my ring proudly and I am thinking about all the wonderful memories of Andrew and what these rings represent to me.

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