My Path To Happiness

Living. Breathing. Living and breathing every day is a luxury and eventually all of us will stop breathing and living one day. That day came all too soon for Andrew. Since the days and months after his death, I have learned that life still goes on and most of us keep breathing another day. I remember being so upset in the early months after he died. I couldn’t believe that other people were happy and laughing when I was so mad and angry. Over a year and a half later, I still catch myself feeling jealous of couples holding hands and seeing them kissing each other goodbye. Or when I see dads at baseball, football, and soccer games watching their kids play and cheering them on. Why are my children missing out on having their dad be a part of their lives? Why don’t I have him as my partner standing next to me as we navigate life together? As a single parent, I feel like there is so much pressure and stress on my shoulders trying to do it all, and it is completely exhausting at times. I know I have to keep breathing and keep living because of our two kids who deserve more. Our kids who have been through so much, more than most adults have, I owe it to them to keep living and to be the best version of myself I can be.

So, I keep going even on days when I feel so lost and confused, on days when I want to hide away from the world, and on days when I can barely take one more step. I keep going and searching for that light, even if it is far away in the distance, I keep reaching. I try to find something positive or something that I enjoy, something that makes me want to keep breathing. After Andrew died, I felt as though I lost my purpose. For so many years I was a wife, mother, teacher, and when he was really sick, a caretaker for him. That was my identity, that was who I was. I loved being all of those things and every day when I woke up, I knew what I needed to do and how to help him and the kids. Now, out of all of those words that identified who I was, I am just a mother. Just a mother. I am no longer his wife, or caretaker, and I am no longer a teacher.

So many changes in such a short amount of time was really hard for me to adjust to my new reality. I felt so broken and lost like a feather floating around, drifting from one thing to another. I am slowly starting to figure out who I am and who I want to be again. Life has been very hard adjusting to what I had always envisioned it to be. So many goals and dreams I had wanted to achieve, with him, with our family, but they will now have a different path and ending because our life is completely different without Andrew. For so long, I thought these dreams of mine had to stop and they would be impossible to achieve without him, however, I have begun to look at life in a different way. I am learning that these dreams do not have to end, yet they can still be achieved. New obstacles may have been presented, but I have the power to turn these obstacles into hurdles or challenges that can be overcome.

I have been doing a lot of sole searching and learning about myself. I have been trying to determine what it is that makes me happy, what are my goals that I want to set for myself, and what motivates me to be a better person. You would think after 40 years, I would have this down and I would know exactly what I want, but I didn’t and I still don’t have all the answers. After all this time, I am starting to though and I honestly have to say, it feels good. Challenging and pushing myself outside of my comfort zone has allowed me to grow in many ways. Am I perfect? No. Do I make mistakes every single day? Yes. Do I need to be more decisive sometimes? For sure. Do I have a lot to learn to understand the importance of balance and realizing that it is okay to ask for help? Of course. All of these make me, me. I learn from my mistakes, and I am finally okay not being perfect, well usually most of the time.

I do not have all of the answers as to why this had to happen to Andrew, to us. What I do know, is that life is precious and can be taken away in an instant. I am unable to change anything that has happened in my past, but I do have the power to change my future. Happiness is not found lying on a sidewalk, inside a mailbox, or in my jeans pocket. I realized I am not going to find happiness being sad all the time and I wasn’t going to find it in the couch cushion or by doing a Google search of “How to be happy.” I am learning that happiness is found within myself and only I have the power to control how happy or unhappy I am. Learning this after the death of my husband is very challenging at times. I still have days or moments that are hard, however, I have to keep reminding myself that I determine my own happiness. I am working on being better at being happy.