A New Beginning

Everything is still and quiet. I can hear the humming sound of the air conditioner turn on and I feel the cool air hit my skin on this warm summer day. I look around and our house doesn’t feel like our house used to anymore. It feels sterile and smells old. The house is completely empty, all the furniture that once had a place, is gone. All the fingerprints that marked the walls are also gone along with the pictures that once hung on the wall. Memories come racing back like a freight train, so much that I stumble as I walk inside. My hands are trembling as I place them over my chest to try and contain my heart from beating so quickly. All the holidays, parties, and family memories are so real, but such a blur at the same time. I can feel my eyes filling up with tears knowing all these precious memories are just a memory and are completely unrealistic now. I feel like I am suffocating thinking about everything that will never be the same. Although this house holds many amazing memories, there are also so many sad memories as well. Sad memories that I can never get away from, many that I relive multiple times each day.

I look around and feel so lonely, where I once felt at peace. I find myself gravitating towards the exact spot where Andrew took his last breath. I sat on the hardwood floor with my legs drawn to my chest and I buried my face on my knees. Rocking back and forth, with tears streaming down my face, I cried out, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I can’t do this anymore. I am so sorry for letting you and the kids down.” I waited as if I was going to receive a response back from Andrew or to have him put his arms around me saying everything will be okay, just like he did so many other times before. I sat there for a while longer and cried some more and could not believe this was going to be the last time I was here, at our home.

Suddenly, I stopped and wiped my eyes with my shirt sleeve and calmly placed the keys on the kitchen counter. Even though I did not see Andrew or feel his arms around me, I knew he was there pushing me out of the house and telling me in his own way that it is going to be okay.

Our house was the perfect family house because it is so big with a huge backyard and swimming pool. It was amazing and we put so much work into it making it exactly how we wanted our house to be. Since Andrew died, I’ve been trying to keep up with all the work, thinking there was never an option to sell because I knew how much our house meant to both Andrew and the kids. Over the last couple years, the amount of stress overtook me, and I became a person who I didn’t like. There was so much to always do, I could rarely take a break from it all. This house, our house, became too much and I realized this after another exhausting day. That day was the day I decided to sell our house and start a new beginning.

This was not a quick and hasty decision. So many tears and so much time went into this. I was so tired of being tired and stressed out all the time. I wanted to be able to enjoy life and be a better mother to the kids. I wanted to travel more and make quality memories with the kids before they are grown up and leave for college. I know Andrew is probably upset about us selling the house because he loved it so much, but I also believe he is happy for us to enjoy life no matter where we live.

On the night before he died, he kept waking up thinking he was traveling and talking about how he couldn’t wait for us to go on our next trip together. Later that night, he woke up again and was upset because he wanted to know where the papers were for him to sign so the kids and I could travel when he was gone. He was so adamant about signing these papers because traveling and exploring new places was so important to him. I want to continue his passion of traveling now that he is gone, and I will be better able to do this by selling the house.

Even though I made this decision, there were many times when I asked myself, “What am I doing, why am I doing this? Why am I tearing apart my family?” I must be a horrible person for putting the kids through something else so traumatic and making them leave their house where we used to be a family of four. I made them leave behind everything they loved and knew for eight years of their life. I know some of you reading this right now, also said or felt those same things about me in making this decision. I honestly felt and still sometimes feel so guilty and selfish for deciding to sell, however, I am always trying to please everyone and making sure everyone else is happy, that I very rarely make myself happy. I need a fresh start where I am not constantly reliving the past every single day and being sad all the time.

Andrew is never coming back no matter how much I wished he would. He is never going to walk through the front door again or dive into the swimming pool once more. He is never coming home whether it is this house or any other house. Although I knew that, I still held out hope that he would magically walk through the front door one more time.

Something that I have learned over the past couple years is that memories can never be moved or taken away from you. These are something that you can carry with you no matter where you live. Am I afraid to forget some of these memories, yes, but just because we moved doesn’t mean I am forgetting us or forgetting Andrew. I will never forget him and I will keep his memory alive until the day I take my last breath. His legacy will live on and the memories of us as a family will continue. I need to do what is going to be best for us, today and every day. A fresh start, to find a new place where the kids and I can start new without being reminded of what and who we used to be, is what I feel we needed to do. We will never forget that house. Andrew will always be a part of us no matter where we live.