A Lost Soul - Trying To Find The Light

It was a Saturday morning, and I was feeling energized and motivated. I was working on some yard work and noticed a broken sprinkler with a squishy pile of water under the grass. I saw and helped Andrew fix broken sprinklers all the time over the years, however this was my first time fixing one without him. Jacob started digging out the grass and dirt around the sprinkler and I went in the garage to grab Andrew’s random box of sprinkler parts. I was carrying the box and Jacob walked towards me with a shovel in one hand. He was all muddy and he had a smudge of dirt on his cheek. Very calmly he said, “Mom, I wish dad had more time to teach me more things, or that he did not have to die.” I repeated in my head what he had just told me, and I stood there in complete shock looking at him. I just said, “I know bud, I know.” I dropped the box of sprinkler parts and walked quickly and then started running towards the house as tears were falling down my face.

I went in the bathroom and crouched down to the floor and cried, one of those ugly cry moments. All I could think about was why, why did this have to happen? Why was Andrew taken from us? Why will Abbey and Jacob grow up without their dad? Their dad: the person who is supposed to teach them how to change a bike tire, how to change the lock on a door when it breaks, how to change a sprinkler, and how to do or fix so many other things. All the pressure of taking on the dad role and my own role for the kids is so overwhelming at times because I do not know how to do everything that would come so easy to Andrew. Trying to juggle everything all the time is absolutely exhausting.

Once I calmed down, I walked back outside and I went over to Jacob and just put my arms around his neck and apologized that he does not have his dad here to teach him, but I said I am trying, and if I cannot do something, I know we have family and friends that will come help us. I also said, Dad must have taught you some things because look at how far you were able to get on your own." Jacob knew exactly what needed to be done and explained all the steps to me.

So, after getting muddy and determining that we did not have all the parts needed to fix the sprinkler, I took off to the store where I was hoping to not see anyone I knew. My hair was pulled up in a crazy ponytail, I had work clothes on, and my legs were covered with splattered mud. I drove about a mile and I pulled off the road in the empty parking lot at the kids’ school while I completely broke down again, wondering why I am having to do this right now. Why did cancer do this to Andrew? I felt so alone sitting in my car with so many emotions running through me. I pounded my fists on the steering wheel and yelled out, “Why?” Negative thoughts ran through my head saying, “I cannot keep doing this” and “I am never going to be good enough to take care of everything that needs to be done.” I took a few deep breaths, and dried my eyes with the sleeve of my dirty shirt. I grabbed the wheel and kept driving.

Once inside the store, I found my way to the sprinkler aisle and as I am standing there trying to figure out what size sprinkler I need, I notice a man staring at me. I awkwardly look away and kept trying to determine where the size is located on a sprinkler. I turn the sprinkler over and over again in my hand until I see a small number on it. Suddenly, this guy walks over to me and asks, “Are you Andrew’s wife?” I stood there with a blank stare on my face and I did not really know how to answer this question. Am I his wife? Was I his wife? What do you say when you have lost the person you are married to and you know he or she is never coming back? Are we still married; we did not get divorced, so when am I considered not married anymore? I ended up saying yes and everything that happened that morning came spilling out. Standing there in the middle of this aisle, I tell this stranger everything. Now, there were a few people standing around me trying to help find the right part.

Since this day, I went through an angry period of grieving for a couple months. I was angry a lot of the time, especially when I would see a happily married couple holding hands and laughing with each other or when I saw a family that looked so complete and perfect. I have really missed having that companionship and being able to talk to someone during and at the end of each day. Someone to tell me that everything will be okay and someone who will encourage me to keep going during those moments when I want to stop. I felt so lonely and empty and I did not understand why Andrew was taken and not me. He was amazing at so many things and he had so much more going for him. He would totally be rocking the single dad role right now if I had died instead.

However, here I am, feeling like a lost soul trying to blindly navigate through life and figuring out how I am going to be able to do everything on my own. I was so tired of staying strong and I was honestly sick of people telling me to “stay strong.” Every time someone would tell me that, it felt like 20 pounds of bricks were added to an imaginary backpack strapped to my shoulders. Why was it okay for other people to break down and not be strong, but I always had to stay strong and be here for everyone else? “You are so strong” and “stay strong” are completely different things.

Some time has passed since that summer day fixing the sprinkler, but I will never forget the words that Jacob said. Every night while laying in bed, I play this over again in my head while my eyes fill with tears before I drift to sleep. It is not fair that Andrew is not here anymore. It is not fair to Abbey and Jacob, it is not fair to Andrew’s parents, brother or any of his family and friends. It is not fair to anyone who has lost a loved one. Unfortunately, death is a part of living and death is hardest on the ones who are left behind. I have to remind myself sometimes that all of this isn’t fair, but what I am going to do about it? I cannot change what happened even though I try and wish I can. Is it going to do any good for me to sit in bed all day crying or be sad all the time because Andrew is not here? Really, would Andrew want me to do that? I know he would not like that at all, so I keep going. I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Some days I take a couple steps back, but I keep going because he cannot. I continue living and being the best person I can be, because I know that is what he would want me to do. I also look at my children’s faces and I know I cannot give up because I do not want to give up on them. Even though Andrew did not have as much time as we all would have liked to have spent with him, he did teach the kids, myself, and I’m sure he has taught so many of you reading this, something or many things. He had a natural ability to teach and explain things that did not make it not feel like I was being taught a lesson.

I am trying to allow myself to laugh every day and not just a small laugh, but a real laugh that makes my stomach hurt and my eyes start watering because I am laughing so hard. I have started watching videos on how to change a bike tire or how to do chores around the house and yard that I really have no idea what I am doing. When I cannot figure it out, I call a friend or family member to help. I am also learning that it is okay to not know everything. This has been extremely hard because I want, and I expect myself to be perfect at everything.

Most importantly, I am learning to reach out to people and to be honest with them when I have those days when I am not okay. I was sick of pretending that I was okay and life was good, yet on the inside, my heart and soul were broken in a million pieces. In the past, explaining my feelings made me feel like I was intruding and submitting my issues upon someone else and I did not want others to worry. I also never wanted to let family and friends through this wall that I built because I did not want them to know I am not perfect, even though they probably already knew that. Someone told me recently that, “A person does not have to be perfect to be loved.” I love this and I use it all the time with Abbey because she is a perfectionist as well. Hopefully one day, when the time is right, I will be loved again even despite all my imperfections.

Depression is a real thing and I think so many of us try to hide it and try and deal with all these thoughts and emotions on our own. I really think that our society looks down on people who have depression. For me, I do not know if I would ever be able to say the words, “I am depressed.” I can barely type the words as I am writing this. Why is depression not talked about more and how many lives could be saved from suicide if there was an easier way to talk about depression? I am not sure if this is already a thing, but I would love to come up with a universal code word for depression to where if I typed the word “pineapple” in a text message, whoever I sent that to would know that I am mentally struggling without having to actually admit or say the words, “I have depression” or “I am depressed.” I would be interested to see what we could come up with, so please leave a comment below with some of your top choices. We could vote on a word to use that I think could really help so many of us. I realize there is just a small circle of us here, however we must start somewhere. I know I am not the only person who tries to display a perfect life. We are all human and many of us have hard days or hard moments, and our lives may not be as perfect as it seems. Let us be there for one another when life knocks us down. Be the light in someone's darkness to help them find their way. If you or someone you know is suffering from depression, please reach out to a professional, a doctor, a friend, or even me. Life is too short to think you need to go through depression alone.