Emotions and Healthy Grieving

It was a cold, windy, and half raining, half snowing type of day in March. I had music playing on our Alexa, “Top Country” and I was feeling fairly good. Music has been something that I need to have playing all the time because it helps me focus and do what I need to get done around the house. Jacob requested Alexa to play “Sad Country” and wow, the songs really make you feel sad! I do not know why I kept listening to the music, it was as if I was hypnotized or in a trance. The tears started flowing while I was standing at the kitchen sink washing the dishes from breakfast. Do you know how hard it is to scrub egg off a spatula when you are crying, and your nose starts to run? I haven’t cried this much in a few weeks. Listening to the music made me really want Andrew. I wanted to feel his touch and to hear his voice. I wanted him to tell me everything was going to be okay and I was worrying too much. I wanted to hear him say “settle” like he told me so many times while he was sick. I wanted a light kiss on my forehead that would have melted all my fears away. I wanted him to grab my hand and squeeze it tightly for a few seconds. I wanted him to take that spatula out of my hands and tell me to let it soak.

Every day that goes by without him here, gets slightly easier but it doesn’t take the pain and sadness away. I feel so guilty when I do have a good day where I have laughed, cooked a delicious dinner, and didn’t cry. Making it through a day when I do not cry at some point are few and far between at this point. I may only cry for a few minutes in the shower so I can wash away my tears or while driving by myself and one of my favorite songs plays on the radio. Then sometimes I have days like today where I cry every couple of hours. I’m not talking about a few small tears that leave a light stain on your cheek, I’m talking about a really good ugly cry where you curl up in a ball on the shower floor with the hot water pouring down on you and your eye makeup is smeared down to your jaw bone. It’s the kind of cry where you try to talk but you can’t because you are crying so hard that no words come out.

I remember a couple times when Andrew cried, one of the last times being when we were told to go home from the hospital because there wasn’t anything else the doctors could do. He was so strong and not one to cry, but this day I will never forget. He heard those words from the doctor, laying there in the hospital bed in shock and then his entire body, swollen legs, and everything shook, almost as if he were having a seizure. I ran over to him, wrapped my hands around his head and face. My thumbs were drying his tears as they came pouring out, but I couldn’t keep up and had to use the sleeve of my sweatshirt. He buried his face on my chest and we held each other. After a few minutes, we looked at each other and he apologized for letting me and others down. I cupped my hands around his face and told him how proud I was of him for all that he had done, how much I and everyone else loved him, and that he had not let anyone down.

Today was the day I wanted him so badly, so I decided I was ready to drive his truck that has been parked in the garage for months now. This was the first time I have been in his truck since before Christmas. As soon as I opened the door, that familiar smell of him along with so many emotions and memories came quickly flooding back, making me stumble a few steps back. I climbed up in the driver’s seat and took a minute to adjust the mirrors and steering wheel. I moved my hands up and down the wheel, feeling for every line from the stitching and wishing I could feel Andrew again. I turned and looked at the kids sitting in the back seat and Abbey had tears running down her face. As soon as I saw her tears, mine poured out as well. I looked at Jacob, and his cheeks were puffed out. Apparently, he had found a white cup of candy from the last time Andrew took the kids to his work. One of the kids’ traditions when they went to Andrew’s work was to get a cup full of candy from one of the conference rooms that had jars filled with different candy. These cups of candy had been sitting in the truck for a couple months now, and Jacob is stuffing his mouth full. Watching him try to chew this candy, made Abbey and I chuckle, which lightened the mood a little.

I started the truck and just sat there a few minutes looking around. In his cup holder compartment, I found a list. As I started reading through it, I figured out it was a Christmas gift list he was working on for me with gift ideas he thought I would like. Seeing his writing that I haven’t seen in months, sent a warm sensation through my body, yet gave me chills at the same time. I traced over his writing with my fingers, imagining him writing this list. My mind began racing with questions such as, why was he worrying about buying me Christmas presents when he was fighting for his life? How did I not know about this? Did he know this was going to be his final Christmas? This list shows what kind of person he was and how amazing, thoughtful, and caring he was.

The kids and I drove around his truck blasting the radio set to his favorite channel on XM Radio, Y2Country. One of Andrew’s favorite things to do when driving was something we called “Honk and Wave.” He would roll down his window, stick his arm out, and honk and wave to ANYONE. This could be people walking, working in their yards, or people driving. He had the biggest smile on his face doing this and was always excited when people waved back. I was always super embarrassed when he would Honk and Wave to people, so of course, he did it even more! I never preferred to drive his truck before, but today it felt so natural and easy. When we got back home, it took me only two tries to back it into the garage and let’s just say I have never backed up anything into the garage, let alone a parking spot. I’m sure Andrew was there sitting in the passenger seat gently guiding me and telling me I could do it or he may have taken over the steering wheel and I didn’t even know it. Being in his truck, made me feel like I could actually feel him again and it helped me get through the rest of this cold day in March.

When someone has experienced the loss of a loved one, there will be rough days. Some days are way harder than others. I have realized that I need to allow myself to have these days and acknowledge the emotions I am experiencing. For me, these days make me feel weak during the moment, but I feel so much stronger in the hours and days after. Acknowledging your emotions, allowing yourself some time to cry, and then not letting the grief and emotions overtake too much of your daily life, are ways of dealing with grief in a healthy way that have worked for me. I am not perfect and I have gone through days where I was a "hot mess" yet, I didn't let my emotions take over for too long. I have these two kids who are relying and depending on me to take care of them, so appropriately managing my emotions is important. Always know that you are not alone even though it may seem like it sometimes. Please reach out to someone if you are struggling or depressed. Counselors and therapists are here to help people just like any other doctor. Taking the first step and acknowledging that you may need help does not make you any less of a person. You need to take care of yourself, which is something I am also learning and adjusting to.